True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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