im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize