Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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