Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
