I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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