sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
