I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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