Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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