Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
