He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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