right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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