The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
