I wish my penis had an off switch
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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