just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
