Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
