I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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