I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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