Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
