remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
did i just pee glitter
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
