If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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