I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize