all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
