batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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