Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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