I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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