His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
