why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
