I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
