We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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