sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
