Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
