Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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