we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
