just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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