I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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