She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
