a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
