Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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