y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
