I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
