Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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