i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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