it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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