i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
