No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
