R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
