dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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