I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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