i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
