Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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