"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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