If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm getting married
To pizza
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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