it was like eating out sand paper
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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