My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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