and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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