the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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