I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
