How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
