I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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