Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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