My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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