somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
