After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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