Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
