btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize