P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize